I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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