Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize