Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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