He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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