today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
