i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize