my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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