I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
