the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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