the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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