who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
