i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
