just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
