Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
