U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
