My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Holy sore nipples Batman
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
