Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
