Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
