That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
