Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
