HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
