It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
True college students do jello shots in the library
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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