So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
