i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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