You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
