I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
