Moan for me like Helen Keller
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
