overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
