I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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