I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
