I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
