The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
