nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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