I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize