I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
