You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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