I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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