you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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