just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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