You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
