she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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