I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
