So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
