youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize