what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
