yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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