The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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