and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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