somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
