your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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