If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She said her name was "party"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
