if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
