I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
where are my eyebrows?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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