So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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