Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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