I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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